Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was known for his kind and affectionate nature, thoughtful and respectful of all. Many of the companions were children when they met and lived with the Prophet, and they passed on their experiences in the collections of hadith.
What will our children say about us when we are gone? We are the models teaching them how to behave like our prophet. If we can't follow his example, how can we ask our children to do so?
One man reported that as a boy, he was caught throwing stones at palm trees, and was brought before the Prophet for judgment. "O boy, why do you throw stones at the palm trees?" the Prophet asked him. He said, "To eat (dates)." The Prophet said, "Do not throw stones at the palm trees but eat what falls beneath them." He then wiped (his hands over the boy's) head and said, "O Allah, fill his stomach." (Abu Dawd)
Notice how in this story, the prophet did not give a long lecture, or yell. The boy was brought for punishment, but what did the prophet do instead? He asked the boy to explain himself. The boy was hungry. Many people around then did not have enough to eat. He recognized the child's need by giving him permission to eat what falls to the ground. And he said a dua for the boy, that he have enough to eat in the future.
Anas bin Malik reported: "When the messenger of Allah (PBUH) came to Madina, he did not have a servant. Abu Talha took me to the Messenger of Allah and said, 'O Messenger of Allah, Anas is a clever boy, so let him serve you.' Then I served him on journeys and at home." (Bukhari and Abu Dawd)
"One day he sent me on an errand and I said, 'By Allah, I will not go,' but it was in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allah had ordered me. I went until I came upon children playing in the street. Then the Messenger of Allah arrived and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind. as I looked at him I found him smiling, and he said, 'Unays (Anas's nickname), did you go where I ordered you to go?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, yes, I am going.' I served him for nine years, but do not know that he ever said to me about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything I had neglected, why I had not done that." (Muslim)
Notice again the absence of yelling and scolding. Anas doesn't get punished. He gets a friendly reminder to get back to his task. In each of these examples, the Prophet seems to see the situation from the child’s perspective as well as from the adult perspective. Anas needed a break.
How often parents react to a child from their own perspective without consideration for the child’s viewpoint. We make eating schedules based on our own needs and then children sneak food or misbehave because they are hungry. We make activities timed for our attention spans, and don’t plan brakes for a child’s need for exercise and change in focus. Children, and even adults, have varying abilities to focus on tasks. Some tire early and some can go on for hours. And the ability changes depending on how interesting the task is. Much of the misbehavior in schools that run according to clock schedules is due to the inability of children to fit into the school time slots, and when parents run their homes on to-do list schedules, much of the problem they have with their kids also comes from this issue. So why punish? Look for ways to adjust and make the expectations for the child more in line with what the child can do.
When I spoke to a group of people some time back about trying to act like the Prophet with our children, a man spoke up and said the Prophet hadn't had his son to deal with. Of course Anas was probably chosen to serve the Prophet because he was a well behaved boy. But when we read Quran and hadith we see that the Prophet had good manners and thoughtful respectful dealings with people no matter how bad they were.
We need to be aware of the common error of blaming others for our behavior. Our children don't make us do anything. We give in to our own fatigue or anger and frustration, but that is a choice we make. We are adults, answerable for our actions. Children are not answerable. They act according to their nature and to how we, and the environment around them, train them to behave.
Yes, there are children who are difficult. Some have a strong desire to "be the boss" - with a very dominant personality. Some are very fearful, and their fears stop them from doing normal things, so they fill their time with safe things. Some are very energetic - even hyperactive. Others go off into day dreams and have trouble focusing. We have terms for children, like ADHD and autistic and dyslexic and reams of literature on how to diagnose and handle each issue. But modern child psychology and education theory actually ask adults to act very much like Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when dealing with these children, gently, patiently, inquiring of them about what they are doing without scolding, and working with them to teach them. And trying to see the world through the child’s eyes.
In his relations with his own children, it is described how the Prophet would greet his daughter Fatima with a kiss. When he went to her house she would rise and come to welcome him and kiss him. (Abu Dawd) When the Messenger came back from a journey, the children of his family would welcome him. Once, when he came riding into Madinah from a journey, the young Abdullah ran up to him first and the Prophet mounted the boy in front of him. Then came his grandson and he mounted him up behind him, and they entered Madina this way, riding together. (Muslim) He was known to carry his grandchildren on his shoulders, and to kiss them in public. One man, watching him kiss and hold his grandson Hasan, said to him, "I have ten children and I have never kissed any of them." The Messenger of Allah glanced at him and said, "The one who is not merciful will not be shown mercy." (Bukhari)
We have many more examples of the Prophet interacting with children and encouraging his companions in the same direction. The great importance he attached to the kind treatment of children can be understood from his statement, "He does not belong to us who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect to our old ones, and who does not enjoin the good and forbid the wrong." (Tirmidhi)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Poisoned Circle
Iman loved her study circle at Sr. Yasmin's house. Since it had started, it had given her a place to really feel accepted. It was a place where she belonged. About 12 to 15 high school girls met there every Tuesday night when Sr. Yasmin's husband would go out for the evening. They would read Quran, recite dua and talk about Islam together for about an hour, then have a little social time with juice and cookies before heading home. It was cool to be with other girls like herself, to talk about problems at school and issues with kids at school.
Since she'd started wearing hijab in middle school she had felt like an outsider at school. Kids she'd known for years had started talking around her and avoiding eye contact in the hallway. Teachers seemed to have less interest in her - or was that just because high school was different from elementary? She just felt out of place, alone. Then Sr. Yasmin had started her halaqah.
Her parents were very happy with the new program for Iman. They supported her membership and made sure she had transportation to the halaqah, and to the other activities that sprang up from it. At first there were social things, like roller skating parties and trips to the river and the woods to go canoeing and hiking. Gradually, over time, the girls started spending more time with thikr. They did some community service projects, like volunteering at a food bank, but they put in more and more time before and after salah in thikr activities. Sr. Yasmin taught them some chants to say together, swaying back and forth with the rhythm. Then, during Ramadan, they did some weekend nights of itikaf at the mosque together, praying tarawih and then continuing with reciting Quran and thikr until fajr. It was such a wonderful experience for Iman. She felt such love for Allah and a strong desire to spend her life in devotion to Allah. She loved Sr. Yasmin.
Gradually the suggestions of Sr. Yasmin took the form of dictates. You had to come. You had to participate. Iman didn't notice. She was too happy to be a part of things and loved having Sr. Yasmin ask anything of her. The halaqah spent more time at the mosque and Sr. Yasmin's husband spent more time away so the girls could stay with her. Evening after evening, weekend after weekend, the halqah was taking all of the girls free time. Parents were noticing the absence and the absent way the girls behaved when they were home, busy reciting dua when they weren't studying or memorizing Quran. Gradually the girls had all come to wear very similar clothes and wanted to fix their hair the same way.
Iman's mother was the first to speak up to her friends, the mothers of several of the other girls. What was going on here? It was good Iman wasn't mopping about school anymore and had friends, but this was becoming too much. Little by little a few other mothers started questioning around.
Before she knew the whole story, Iman's mother had learned enough to call it quits. She had discovered that a man was hanging around the halaqah all the time. Her husband knew him. He was a time waster, an unemployed man who claimed to be in import/export business, but who just hung out at the mosque and sponged off his brother. Two mothers had seen Sr. Yasmin talking and laughing with him in a manner that seemed overly friendly. One girl innocently mentioned how Sr. Yasmin spent a lot of time "consulting with the sheikh" in the back room. Between the excessive time consuming obsession this halaqah had become and the existence of an odd man hanging around the group, there were too many inappropriate things going on here for Iman's mom.
She made her daughter quit the group and told other mothers what she had learned and what she was concerned about. Several became indignant and refused to hear her out. They said she was gossiping and spreading slander. Those who had helped her get the story sided with her. Sr. Yasmin defended herself with great outrage at the accusations. The girls halaqah was split. Iman was heartbroken and cried, but, in spite of all the pressure, her mother stayed firm. Iman heard from some of the girls that Sr. Yasmin had told them not to talk to her. It all seemed worse! How she wanted to be near Sr. Yasmin again and be in her good graces! Her mom was so unfair! Then it was summer vacation and Iman traveled with her family to her aunt and uncle's home several hours away. She stayed with them over the summer, recovering. Her cousins took her to many activities and gradually she regained her balance.
In September, Sr. Yasmin filed for divorce. Her husband countersued. The story was soon all over the community.
Sr. Yasmin, so pious and sweet, turned out to have been using the halaqah to cover for her affair. She'd met him at the mosque during the itikaf experience during Ramadan. She had introduced him to the girls as a 'visiting sheikh' and had arranged for him to 'assist' with their halaqah. He didn't do much more than lead them in a short opening dua and closing dua most of the time. Sr. Yasmin had arranged the program so the girls could conduct most of it on their own, and she could slip away into another room to visit with her sweetheart.
As the affair came to light, everyone stopped going to the girls halaqah. Iman was re-included in the group that talked on the phone and on line, hashing over the whole story, each girl remembering details they had noticed, but not made sense of earlier. At the request of Iman's mother, the imam of the mosque called a meeting of the girls and their parents. He explained briefly and politely what had been discovered about Sr. Yasmin. He explained the Islamic position on her behavior and apologized for not having acted earlier. The husband had been complaining for some months about his wife's distant behavior and obsession with the halaqah. They discussed how things had happened and the girls recognized that Sr. Yasmin had started with good intentions. The group had been so successful that she had let her success go to her head. The imam led the group in dua for Sr. Yasmin and her family, and for all of the community hurt by her betrayal.
Iman felt a little better after the talk with the imam, but it would be an important event in her life that colored her thinking for years to come. She called up the girls and arranged to restart the halaqah as their own group. They knew how to do it on their own now. They returned to the initial format of once a week and they took turns in hosting it. Some of the mothers joined in now and then, participating as friends and not as leaders. Some girls left for college and adulthood. New girls joined.
I write this story with few details, to keep to my self- imposed space limit. It is very painful to write, a composite of three real events I witnessed over the years. We really need good programs for our youth and the halaqah started out with such promise. People need to create these support groups for our youth around the country, for boys and girls. I know most of our school teachers and imams are humble and devote a lot of time and sacrifice to educate our children. But a few of our leaders abuse their power. This Yasmin abused it for personal reasons, ego. Others abuse it for political goals. We've seen some convince young men to commit crimes in the name of their faith!
Enjoining the right and forbidding the wrong is an obligation of all Muslims, and parents have a special responsibility. Young people want to be so independent, but they lack perspective to see the moderate path of faith.
There are several topics in this story:
• What is excessive religious practice? Was Sr. Yasmin excessive? What would be a good amount of religious practice? Do your children get some spiritual experiences as well as the common “Let’s memorize Quran” rote work?
• What is arrogance in leadership? How do you recognize it?
• How do you stand up for what is right when there are differences of opinion, or where you are criticizing someone in power who has blind supporters? What kind of evidence do you need? Did Iman’s mother have enough information when she stopped her daughter from going to halaqah and started complaining to others? Where would you have drawn the line?
• How do you heal after betrayal and how do you help your children when they are betrayed? Did the imam do a good job helping the families? Who else might have helped? What else might be useful? What are some things that are NOT helpful to do?
Each one takes time to study. But we cannot remain ignorant or follow a leader blindly. We have the responsibility to our families and our communities. And Allah (SWT) will hold us accountable.
Since she'd started wearing hijab in middle school she had felt like an outsider at school. Kids she'd known for years had started talking around her and avoiding eye contact in the hallway. Teachers seemed to have less interest in her - or was that just because high school was different from elementary? She just felt out of place, alone. Then Sr. Yasmin had started her halaqah.
Her parents were very happy with the new program for Iman. They supported her membership and made sure she had transportation to the halaqah, and to the other activities that sprang up from it. At first there were social things, like roller skating parties and trips to the river and the woods to go canoeing and hiking. Gradually, over time, the girls started spending more time with thikr. They did some community service projects, like volunteering at a food bank, but they put in more and more time before and after salah in thikr activities. Sr. Yasmin taught them some chants to say together, swaying back and forth with the rhythm. Then, during Ramadan, they did some weekend nights of itikaf at the mosque together, praying tarawih and then continuing with reciting Quran and thikr until fajr. It was such a wonderful experience for Iman. She felt such love for Allah and a strong desire to spend her life in devotion to Allah. She loved Sr. Yasmin.
Gradually the suggestions of Sr. Yasmin took the form of dictates. You had to come. You had to participate. Iman didn't notice. She was too happy to be a part of things and loved having Sr. Yasmin ask anything of her. The halaqah spent more time at the mosque and Sr. Yasmin's husband spent more time away so the girls could stay with her. Evening after evening, weekend after weekend, the halqah was taking all of the girls free time. Parents were noticing the absence and the absent way the girls behaved when they were home, busy reciting dua when they weren't studying or memorizing Quran. Gradually the girls had all come to wear very similar clothes and wanted to fix their hair the same way.
Iman's mother was the first to speak up to her friends, the mothers of several of the other girls. What was going on here? It was good Iman wasn't mopping about school anymore and had friends, but this was becoming too much. Little by little a few other mothers started questioning around.
Before she knew the whole story, Iman's mother had learned enough to call it quits. She had discovered that a man was hanging around the halaqah all the time. Her husband knew him. He was a time waster, an unemployed man who claimed to be in import/export business, but who just hung out at the mosque and sponged off his brother. Two mothers had seen Sr. Yasmin talking and laughing with him in a manner that seemed overly friendly. One girl innocently mentioned how Sr. Yasmin spent a lot of time "consulting with the sheikh" in the back room. Between the excessive time consuming obsession this halaqah had become and the existence of an odd man hanging around the group, there were too many inappropriate things going on here for Iman's mom.
She made her daughter quit the group and told other mothers what she had learned and what she was concerned about. Several became indignant and refused to hear her out. They said she was gossiping and spreading slander. Those who had helped her get the story sided with her. Sr. Yasmin defended herself with great outrage at the accusations. The girls halaqah was split. Iman was heartbroken and cried, but, in spite of all the pressure, her mother stayed firm. Iman heard from some of the girls that Sr. Yasmin had told them not to talk to her. It all seemed worse! How she wanted to be near Sr. Yasmin again and be in her good graces! Her mom was so unfair! Then it was summer vacation and Iman traveled with her family to her aunt and uncle's home several hours away. She stayed with them over the summer, recovering. Her cousins took her to many activities and gradually she regained her balance.
In September, Sr. Yasmin filed for divorce. Her husband countersued. The story was soon all over the community.
Sr. Yasmin, so pious and sweet, turned out to have been using the halaqah to cover for her affair. She'd met him at the mosque during the itikaf experience during Ramadan. She had introduced him to the girls as a 'visiting sheikh' and had arranged for him to 'assist' with their halaqah. He didn't do much more than lead them in a short opening dua and closing dua most of the time. Sr. Yasmin had arranged the program so the girls could conduct most of it on their own, and she could slip away into another room to visit with her sweetheart.
As the affair came to light, everyone stopped going to the girls halaqah. Iman was re-included in the group that talked on the phone and on line, hashing over the whole story, each girl remembering details they had noticed, but not made sense of earlier. At the request of Iman's mother, the imam of the mosque called a meeting of the girls and their parents. He explained briefly and politely what had been discovered about Sr. Yasmin. He explained the Islamic position on her behavior and apologized for not having acted earlier. The husband had been complaining for some months about his wife's distant behavior and obsession with the halaqah. They discussed how things had happened and the girls recognized that Sr. Yasmin had started with good intentions. The group had been so successful that she had let her success go to her head. The imam led the group in dua for Sr. Yasmin and her family, and for all of the community hurt by her betrayal.
Iman felt a little better after the talk with the imam, but it would be an important event in her life that colored her thinking for years to come. She called up the girls and arranged to restart the halaqah as their own group. They knew how to do it on their own now. They returned to the initial format of once a week and they took turns in hosting it. Some of the mothers joined in now and then, participating as friends and not as leaders. Some girls left for college and adulthood. New girls joined.
I write this story with few details, to keep to my self- imposed space limit. It is very painful to write, a composite of three real events I witnessed over the years. We really need good programs for our youth and the halaqah started out with such promise. People need to create these support groups for our youth around the country, for boys and girls. I know most of our school teachers and imams are humble and devote a lot of time and sacrifice to educate our children. But a few of our leaders abuse their power. This Yasmin abused it for personal reasons, ego. Others abuse it for political goals. We've seen some convince young men to commit crimes in the name of their faith!
Enjoining the right and forbidding the wrong is an obligation of all Muslims, and parents have a special responsibility. Young people want to be so independent, but they lack perspective to see the moderate path of faith.
There are several topics in this story:
• What is excessive religious practice? Was Sr. Yasmin excessive? What would be a good amount of religious practice? Do your children get some spiritual experiences as well as the common “Let’s memorize Quran” rote work?
• What is arrogance in leadership? How do you recognize it?
• How do you stand up for what is right when there are differences of opinion, or where you are criticizing someone in power who has blind supporters? What kind of evidence do you need? Did Iman’s mother have enough information when she stopped her daughter from going to halaqah and started complaining to others? Where would you have drawn the line?
• How do you heal after betrayal and how do you help your children when they are betrayed? Did the imam do a good job helping the families? Who else might have helped? What else might be useful? What are some things that are NOT helpful to do?
Each one takes time to study. But we cannot remain ignorant or follow a leader blindly. We have the responsibility to our families and our communities. And Allah (SWT) will hold us accountable.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Save My Family
"Oh Imam, Come save my family!" The man cried in tears. "These awful people have captured my wife while I was away working. They taught her that women's liberation stuff. They convinced her to leave me and go live with them. They convinced my daughter to hate me."
Though he had never seen the brother before, the imam agreed to try to help. He assumed from the way the man spoke that the couple had been separated only a few days. Who were 'these awful people' he spoke of? With an address from the man, the Imam sent two responsible women from the mosque to visit the woman. They could meet her and see if she wanted to come for counseling.
The apartment was shabby, but clean and neat. It wasn't a friend's house but an apartment obtained through an agency that helps the homeless and women who are victims of domestic violence. The woman greeted her guests politely and gracefully, though with a nervous air, glancing quickly around the street as she let them in.
"He keeps sending people to see me. You aren't the first to come."
"How many days has it been since you left him?"
"Days? It's been a year almost. Didn't he tell you? He just won't accept the divorce."
"Divorce, are you divorced?"
"Yes, it was final about 3 months ago. But he won't accept the American judge's decision. He still thinks he hasn't divorced me, and he spies on me all the time."
"But you were married 20 years, weren't you? That's what he said. Why did you throw that all away?"
"Since I married him he was jealous. He wanted me always to stay home. He always treated me with suspicion, and used bad language and treated me harshly. It took me time to learn English, and then I tried to leave him twice. But he cried and promised to improve, and I had no job skills, so I went back. But he never changed. Then his harassment got worse as my daughter got into high school. He was so worried that she might have a boyfriend. Now it is different. I found friends who help me and I am learning job skills. Soon I will be able to support myself. And my daughter is big now. She has a job already. So we can be free of him now."
Like many victims of domestic violence, she was finally psychologically able to leave when her husband started hitting their daughter. She couldn't do it for herself, but she did it for her child. The daughter only spoke ill of her father. Of her faith, she knew just the basics of prayer and fasting her mother had taught her at home. Muslims were the friends of her father who encouraged her mom to put up with him. The mother said she still prayed. (Was that a social lie to please the guests?)
The daughter was quite hostile to Islam. The father had twisted his faith to use it to justify his maltreatment of his family. They said he believed God had given him the obligation to beat his family when they disobeyed him. And he always assumed evil intentions on their part, no matter the facts. They were always guilty.
The two visitors apologized for intruding and expressed sympathy and encouragement to the mother and daughter. They left embarrassed and puzzled. How could this man deny reality? How could he talk like his family had only left a few days ago? What did he expect anyone to do to help him?
What a sad story. Unfortunately it is true. This Muslim family never came to the mosque to seek help for their problems or for anything more than an occasional Eid prayer. Three months after the divorce was final, the husband finally thought to come to the mosque? In their 20 years of married life did his wife never think to seek help from a mosque? Or from Muslim friends? Did no one who knew them ever think to help her?
Actually, is the local mosque near you prepared to receive someone like the wife? Is the imam trained in how to assist victims of domestic violence, support them, and provide counseling to all parties? Too often our local imams are chosen because they have memorized Quran and are good at recitation. They often have no experience in counseling or social work and frequently they have no idea of life here in the United States. They don't know about Legal Aid or homeless shelters. They don't know American law or Ohio law on marriage, child custody, and divorce. Does your imam sit in the mosque, advising people how to live in some ideal Muslim country that does not exist?
"You see the believers as regard their being merciful among themselves, showing love among themselves, and being kind among themselves, resembling one body, so that if any part of the body is not well then the whole body shares the insomnia and fever with it." (Bukhari)
We have families in desperate need in our community. Just because they don't come to the mosque doesn't mean we have no responsibility for them. People trained in social work and serious family counseling are the second line of defense of families. The first line of defense should be a general community trained in Islamic adab.
Do you know Islamic adab (manners) of dealing with people?
People often surround themselves socially with others like themselves. When they have problems, they ask their friends for advice. The blind are asked to lead the blind. How knowledgeable are your friends? Can they help you with advice in times of serious problems? Would you have the knowledge to help them, or know where to get advice for them?
If someone is not my husband, my wife, my child, or my family member, they are still members of my community and my community will not be healthy until we are all healthy.
Though he had never seen the brother before, the imam agreed to try to help. He assumed from the way the man spoke that the couple had been separated only a few days. Who were 'these awful people' he spoke of? With an address from the man, the Imam sent two responsible women from the mosque to visit the woman. They could meet her and see if she wanted to come for counseling.
The apartment was shabby, but clean and neat. It wasn't a friend's house but an apartment obtained through an agency that helps the homeless and women who are victims of domestic violence. The woman greeted her guests politely and gracefully, though with a nervous air, glancing quickly around the street as she let them in.
"He keeps sending people to see me. You aren't the first to come."
"How many days has it been since you left him?"
"Days? It's been a year almost. Didn't he tell you? He just won't accept the divorce."
"Divorce, are you divorced?"
"Yes, it was final about 3 months ago. But he won't accept the American judge's decision. He still thinks he hasn't divorced me, and he spies on me all the time."
"But you were married 20 years, weren't you? That's what he said. Why did you throw that all away?"
"Since I married him he was jealous. He wanted me always to stay home. He always treated me with suspicion, and used bad language and treated me harshly. It took me time to learn English, and then I tried to leave him twice. But he cried and promised to improve, and I had no job skills, so I went back. But he never changed. Then his harassment got worse as my daughter got into high school. He was so worried that she might have a boyfriend. Now it is different. I found friends who help me and I am learning job skills. Soon I will be able to support myself. And my daughter is big now. She has a job already. So we can be free of him now."
Like many victims of domestic violence, she was finally psychologically able to leave when her husband started hitting their daughter. She couldn't do it for herself, but she did it for her child. The daughter only spoke ill of her father. Of her faith, she knew just the basics of prayer and fasting her mother had taught her at home. Muslims were the friends of her father who encouraged her mom to put up with him. The mother said she still prayed. (Was that a social lie to please the guests?)
The daughter was quite hostile to Islam. The father had twisted his faith to use it to justify his maltreatment of his family. They said he believed God had given him the obligation to beat his family when they disobeyed him. And he always assumed evil intentions on their part, no matter the facts. They were always guilty.
The two visitors apologized for intruding and expressed sympathy and encouragement to the mother and daughter. They left embarrassed and puzzled. How could this man deny reality? How could he talk like his family had only left a few days ago? What did he expect anyone to do to help him?
What a sad story. Unfortunately it is true. This Muslim family never came to the mosque to seek help for their problems or for anything more than an occasional Eid prayer. Three months after the divorce was final, the husband finally thought to come to the mosque? In their 20 years of married life did his wife never think to seek help from a mosque? Or from Muslim friends? Did no one who knew them ever think to help her?
Actually, is the local mosque near you prepared to receive someone like the wife? Is the imam trained in how to assist victims of domestic violence, support them, and provide counseling to all parties? Too often our local imams are chosen because they have memorized Quran and are good at recitation. They often have no experience in counseling or social work and frequently they have no idea of life here in the United States. They don't know about Legal Aid or homeless shelters. They don't know American law or Ohio law on marriage, child custody, and divorce. Does your imam sit in the mosque, advising people how to live in some ideal Muslim country that does not exist?
"You see the believers as regard their being merciful among themselves, showing love among themselves, and being kind among themselves, resembling one body, so that if any part of the body is not well then the whole body shares the insomnia and fever with it." (Bukhari)
We have families in desperate need in our community. Just because they don't come to the mosque doesn't mean we have no responsibility for them. People trained in social work and serious family counseling are the second line of defense of families. The first line of defense should be a general community trained in Islamic adab.
Do you know Islamic adab (manners) of dealing with people?
People often surround themselves socially with others like themselves. When they have problems, they ask their friends for advice. The blind are asked to lead the blind. How knowledgeable are your friends? Can they help you with advice in times of serious problems? Would you have the knowledge to help them, or know where to get advice for them?
If someone is not my husband, my wife, my child, or my family member, they are still members of my community and my community will not be healthy until we are all healthy.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Establishing Family Salah
Stepping around the toys and pillows strewn on the floor, Hassan winced as his foot pressed on something hard with a solid edge. Quickly he removed his foot from the object and discovered he'd almost put his full weight on an expensive game cartridge. "Yazen!" he called. "What's your video game doing on the floor? I nearly broke it!" Yazen continued to intently play another video game in front of computer. His father starred at his back. "Yazen!" he called again. He waited. "Yazen Hassan!" he called, his voice getting sterner with each call.
Finally Yazen turned to face his father. "I saved it. I had to save the game or I'd have to start the level over again," he told his father.
"For a game - for a toy - you make me wait? I'm your father. Which is more important, your game or your father?" he asked.
"Sorry Dad."
"So what is this expensive game doing lying on the floor in this mess for people to break?" asked his father harshly.
Hassan held the game out to his son who rose to his feet to get it. Yazen tossed the game on a shelf messy with other games and videos. Then he resumed his game as his father starred thoughtfully around the room.
Their three children either seemed to ignore each other or fight. They ignored any chores and left things in a mess all over. How many toys had been broken or lost or left outside to be ruined in the rain. Why couldn't they do anything together as a family? Each one had a different set of friends and activities. He and his wife spent a lot of time driving them to one thing or the other. When they were home Yazen would be playing video games, often on line with friends no one knew, Layla was either over at a friend's or had a friend upstairs in her room, door closed, and Mahar would be all over the place. They ate what they heated in the microwave or grabbed out of the fridge in passing. He hated to admit, but Sahar was right. Their kids were spoiled.
Instead of teaching them to be obedient to parents, they had trained them to each put himself or herself first and ignore others. Instead of teaching them to be thankful to Allah for His provisions, they had taught them to feel they deserved everything they wanted and got. Instead of teaching them to get along with each other, they had given them space to avoid each other and lots of things to do instead of getting along with each other. Sahar had made plans to change things, drastically, but he needed to start it. He just didn't know how. There were so many habits that were going to have to change.
Hassan straightened his back and focused himself, and started the call to prayer. His son looked up at him with concern for a second, and then returned to his game. No one came. He called to his children and his wife. Sahar called to Layla and Mahar and went upstairs to herd Layla down. A glance out the window made Hassan go to the back door and call out into the yard to Mahar. Yazen, frowning, finally stopped his game and went to do wudu.
Finally, after 15 minutes of work, including pushing some of the toys out of the way to make a prayer area, Hassan asked Yasser to recite the iqama and the family prayed together, a family first. As Hassan ended the salah, the children jumped up to escape and their mother ordered them to sit down again.
After sunnah prayers Hassan led them in dua, speaking in English and giving thanks in detail. Then he addressed them. From now on they were going to make three prayers as a family, fajr, magreb, and isha. He wanted them to come quickly when they heard the adhan and he wanted them each to contribute a dua at the end of salah, aloud, for the family to join, at least one per day. The kids looked at him warily, with their mouths slightly opened, not sure this was really happening.
As he dismissed them, he ordered them to all help pick up the family room and get it in order. The kids started immediately squabbling about who should pick up what. Hassan quickly ordered silence, and threatened them with no TV for a whole week if they didn't just do the work quietly. The children stared at their father with big eyes of astonishment. Glancing nervously at each other they got the toys picked up and the room straightened. Sahar and Hassan sat quietly watching. They felt exausted from the tension of this effort.
It was difficult to get the group prayers going. It was three more things to schedule. Getting everyone up for fajr was the hardest. Sahar stood firm on the importance of it though, and even being late to school was not allowed to stop the group prayer. Her steadfastness helped Hassan stay strong when he wanted to give in and make an excuse not to pray jummah. When Hassan had to be away on business, the kids thought they were off the hook, but Sahar asked Yazen to give the adhan and lead the prayer. Slowly the children's dua contributions became more specific. "May Allah bless this family" got old really quickly and, with maternal prompting, they came up with things like "I thank Allah that Layla likes green beans so I didn't have to eat any" and "I thank Allah for helping me print out my homework before the teacher collected it today".
In the time of prayers, conversations about Islam started creeping in. The children started asking questions, about the fiqh of salah, about lying, and about what they were learning in the Islamic school classes at the mosque. Some of their questions were easy to answer. Sometimes Hassan or Sahar had to do some research or some thinking to respond well. As the months advanced, they taught Yazen and Layla how to look up questions on the internet. They bought some reference books on Islam for themselves and for the children. Conversations started creeping into other times of the day as well.
Sahar hadn't intended for Hassan to start her list of reforms with family prayers. She had had other priorities. But to get his support she had told him to pick the first reform to enact, figuring that such a long list couldn't be accomplished overnight and it was best to start with only one or two changes he would help her with the most. It seemed to take so much effort to get the prayers established right that she left the list aside for a while. Then, when she did find the list 6 months later, she noticed how many other things on her list had happened without any particular effort.
From their respectful meetings and discussions at salah times, the children began taking more interest in each other, and talking more respectfully in general. So they began doing a few things together, like sharing snacks together. They were having more family meals without anyone making a big deal about it. People weren't avoiding each other like before.
She thought back to the morning when Maher couldn't find his pencil case and was ready to cry. Layla had stopped focusing on her hair and run around to help him find it - without being asked! And she had actually said something comforting to him rather than belittling him! Sahar had put her hand against the wall to steady herself as she watched this amazing event. More and more incidents of thoughtful behavior kept occurring since, among all three and with their parents. Yazen had even left his computer game and come to help her unload the groceries from the car, when she'd only asked him once!
Their family schedule of activities got simpler. The children realized salah took precedence and stopped asking for activities that interfered. So the chauffeuring got easier for the parents and the children were much more selective and thoughtful about the activities they did do. They started using their new Islamic understanding of morals in making choices about what to do and who to play with. "I'm not going to her birthday party. She doesn't act very nice and all she wants is to get presents. And she's mean too. Why should we celebrate just because she was born?" "This TV show has too much violence. Let's turn it off."
And the house seemed cleaner and happier. Yazen still got too focused on his video games, but he got a timer to help him limit himself. And everyone was more thoughtful about picking up toys and games. After hearing about the reward for giving charity at Islamic School, Layla had come home and proposed giving away some of her toys to the poor. Discussing it together, the children worked with their mother to clear things out of their rooms. Four big boxes were filled and given away, a family project with everyone contributing.
No family is perfect and growing children always have new lessons to learn. Do your children cooperated with you and with each other? Are they thoughtful?
This family followed the advice of the Prophet to establish salah, "Prayer in a group is twenty-seven times better than the prayer of a man by himself." (Bukhari) They lived too far from the mosque to make going there for salah practical. Another option they might have taken would have been selling their home and moving closer to the mosque. Such a move is rarely done in American suburban areas. How would that have changed their lives?
What other things could this family have done to correct the problems in their home? What benefits have you discovered from your efforts to practice your religion with your children?
Finally Yazen turned to face his father. "I saved it. I had to save the game or I'd have to start the level over again," he told his father.
"For a game - for a toy - you make me wait? I'm your father. Which is more important, your game or your father?" he asked.
"Sorry Dad."
"So what is this expensive game doing lying on the floor in this mess for people to break?" asked his father harshly.
Hassan held the game out to his son who rose to his feet to get it. Yazen tossed the game on a shelf messy with other games and videos. Then he resumed his game as his father starred thoughtfully around the room.
Their three children either seemed to ignore each other or fight. They ignored any chores and left things in a mess all over. How many toys had been broken or lost or left outside to be ruined in the rain. Why couldn't they do anything together as a family? Each one had a different set of friends and activities. He and his wife spent a lot of time driving them to one thing or the other. When they were home Yazen would be playing video games, often on line with friends no one knew, Layla was either over at a friend's or had a friend upstairs in her room, door closed, and Mahar would be all over the place. They ate what they heated in the microwave or grabbed out of the fridge in passing. He hated to admit, but Sahar was right. Their kids were spoiled.
Instead of teaching them to be obedient to parents, they had trained them to each put himself or herself first and ignore others. Instead of teaching them to be thankful to Allah for His provisions, they had taught them to feel they deserved everything they wanted and got. Instead of teaching them to get along with each other, they had given them space to avoid each other and lots of things to do instead of getting along with each other. Sahar had made plans to change things, drastically, but he needed to start it. He just didn't know how. There were so many habits that were going to have to change.
Hassan straightened his back and focused himself, and started the call to prayer. His son looked up at him with concern for a second, and then returned to his game. No one came. He called to his children and his wife. Sahar called to Layla and Mahar and went upstairs to herd Layla down. A glance out the window made Hassan go to the back door and call out into the yard to Mahar. Yazen, frowning, finally stopped his game and went to do wudu.
Finally, after 15 minutes of work, including pushing some of the toys out of the way to make a prayer area, Hassan asked Yasser to recite the iqama and the family prayed together, a family first. As Hassan ended the salah, the children jumped up to escape and their mother ordered them to sit down again.
After sunnah prayers Hassan led them in dua, speaking in English and giving thanks in detail. Then he addressed them. From now on they were going to make three prayers as a family, fajr, magreb, and isha. He wanted them to come quickly when they heard the adhan and he wanted them each to contribute a dua at the end of salah, aloud, for the family to join, at least one per day. The kids looked at him warily, with their mouths slightly opened, not sure this was really happening.
As he dismissed them, he ordered them to all help pick up the family room and get it in order. The kids started immediately squabbling about who should pick up what. Hassan quickly ordered silence, and threatened them with no TV for a whole week if they didn't just do the work quietly. The children stared at their father with big eyes of astonishment. Glancing nervously at each other they got the toys picked up and the room straightened. Sahar and Hassan sat quietly watching. They felt exausted from the tension of this effort.
It was difficult to get the group prayers going. It was three more things to schedule. Getting everyone up for fajr was the hardest. Sahar stood firm on the importance of it though, and even being late to school was not allowed to stop the group prayer. Her steadfastness helped Hassan stay strong when he wanted to give in and make an excuse not to pray jummah. When Hassan had to be away on business, the kids thought they were off the hook, but Sahar asked Yazen to give the adhan and lead the prayer. Slowly the children's dua contributions became more specific. "May Allah bless this family" got old really quickly and, with maternal prompting, they came up with things like "I thank Allah that Layla likes green beans so I didn't have to eat any" and "I thank Allah for helping me print out my homework before the teacher collected it today".
In the time of prayers, conversations about Islam started creeping in. The children started asking questions, about the fiqh of salah, about lying, and about what they were learning in the Islamic school classes at the mosque. Some of their questions were easy to answer. Sometimes Hassan or Sahar had to do some research or some thinking to respond well. As the months advanced, they taught Yazen and Layla how to look up questions on the internet. They bought some reference books on Islam for themselves and for the children. Conversations started creeping into other times of the day as well.
Sahar hadn't intended for Hassan to start her list of reforms with family prayers. She had had other priorities. But to get his support she had told him to pick the first reform to enact, figuring that such a long list couldn't be accomplished overnight and it was best to start with only one or two changes he would help her with the most. It seemed to take so much effort to get the prayers established right that she left the list aside for a while. Then, when she did find the list 6 months later, she noticed how many other things on her list had happened without any particular effort.
From their respectful meetings and discussions at salah times, the children began taking more interest in each other, and talking more respectfully in general. So they began doing a few things together, like sharing snacks together. They were having more family meals without anyone making a big deal about it. People weren't avoiding each other like before.
She thought back to the morning when Maher couldn't find his pencil case and was ready to cry. Layla had stopped focusing on her hair and run around to help him find it - without being asked! And she had actually said something comforting to him rather than belittling him! Sahar had put her hand against the wall to steady herself as she watched this amazing event. More and more incidents of thoughtful behavior kept occurring since, among all three and with their parents. Yazen had even left his computer game and come to help her unload the groceries from the car, when she'd only asked him once!
Their family schedule of activities got simpler. The children realized salah took precedence and stopped asking for activities that interfered. So the chauffeuring got easier for the parents and the children were much more selective and thoughtful about the activities they did do. They started using their new Islamic understanding of morals in making choices about what to do and who to play with. "I'm not going to her birthday party. She doesn't act very nice and all she wants is to get presents. And she's mean too. Why should we celebrate just because she was born?" "This TV show has too much violence. Let's turn it off."
And the house seemed cleaner and happier. Yazen still got too focused on his video games, but he got a timer to help him limit himself. And everyone was more thoughtful about picking up toys and games. After hearing about the reward for giving charity at Islamic School, Layla had come home and proposed giving away some of her toys to the poor. Discussing it together, the children worked with their mother to clear things out of their rooms. Four big boxes were filled and given away, a family project with everyone contributing.
No family is perfect and growing children always have new lessons to learn. Do your children cooperated with you and with each other? Are they thoughtful?
This family followed the advice of the Prophet to establish salah, "Prayer in a group is twenty-seven times better than the prayer of a man by himself." (Bukhari) They lived too far from the mosque to make going there for salah practical. Another option they might have taken would have been selling their home and moving closer to the mosque. Such a move is rarely done in American suburban areas. How would that have changed their lives?
What other things could this family have done to correct the problems in their home? What benefits have you discovered from your efforts to practice your religion with your children?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Asia Growing Up
Fourteen year old Asia came back from 10 days at Islamic Teen Camp glowing. She'd always been interested in this thing - being Muslim - that her parents were, but it was such a small part of her life, an hour on Sunday of a class she attended when her parents weren't too busy to take her miles from their home. Generally she had thought of it as something about her parents, not her. They fasted and prayed and did the whole thing. But she just prayed once in a while and only fasted a few days of Ramadan on the weekends. Until this camp experience, Islam had been a minor part of her life.
Now she'd learned SOOO much. The Quran was beautiful recited at camp in the woods. She'd been horrified at first when she'd heard they wanted the kids to wake up for fajr salah, wash in the camp ground's cold water, and all pray together. But the experience had been overwhelming. It was so quiet and the adhan drifted so lightly in the early morning air. Then afterward she'd seen the sun rise. They had stayed up late with lectures and then walked under so many stars to answer the adhan for isha prayer. And all the lectures made sense. They were easy to understand and remember. She'd made friends. They were going to keep in touch on Facebook. Everything about being Muslim just felt right. She'd even decided to wear hijab properly from now on and do all her prayers regularly just after the adhan. And she did - for the rest of the summer.
Asia lived in a nice suburban town, the only dark skinned girl, the only Muslim. But she had friends. Her girlfriends were a bit turned off by her new scarf thing, but they seemed to figure it was just part of that slightly exotic thing about her, like having parents who spoke with accented English. She took all her photos without the scarf off her Facebook page but other kids still had pictures of her on theirs and she ignored that. She'd become more reserved with her old friends.
There were just things her friends wouldn't understand. She backed out of going swimming with them without telling them why. She'd always gone before. When they talked about boys she just sat there quietly. Then her friend Sandy started teasing her that she had a boyfriend. Her old friend Courtney thought she had an out of town boyfriend she'd met at that summer camp she'd gone to. One boy blurted out during a picnic, "Say, what's with that thing on your head all the time Asia? Did you go bald over the summer?" Was he ineptly inquiring about her health or was he insulting her? Another said he'd always thought Asia was American, implying that, with the scarf, she wasn't. She got some odd stares when out at the mall. She was all upset about each incident at first. But all in all it wasn't too bad. She spent more time alone, reading Quran.
The big looming issue would be starting school, and being seen by all the other kids who weren't her friends and many who didn't know her. How would they treat her? And how would she ask the principal about a place to pray?
Personally, over the years, I've seen many youth inspired by Islamic camping, conferences and other group organized programs. One 12 year old boy explained to me how he felt the environment was so clean and healthy compared to the social environment at his school.
Questions for discussion and thought:
1. How much should your choice of home be based on proximity to other Muslim children to form a support group for your children? Islam gives us guidelines for making decision, but often there is no one right answer. Things can depend on the specific conditions and the personalities of the people. What is your priorities list?
2. How much do people really learn about Islam when one Muslim family lives in their midst? What does the family have to do for that to happen?
3. All cultural groups have to have a way to pass down their culture to their children. The less diverse a neighborhood or town, the more people feel they have the right to expect others to follow local customs. Most people don't come out and say, "I want you to be like me." They tend to say things like "Around here we always celebrate July 4th like this."
a. What are some ways American schools, or other school systems you know, use to get children to follow their cultural practices?
b. What are some ways your neighborhood is set up or acts to get you to follow their rules?
c. What methods were used to get you to "follow the group" when you were young? How well did they work and did you like them or dislike them?
d. What are some ways your family uses to get your children to follow manners and habits common to your family? Are they good methods or what could you do better? Allah will not reward people for using un-Islamic manners to force Islamic behavior. There is no compulsion in religion.
e. What are some of the ways people in the mosque use to get community members to follow a common practice? Like getting people to dress similarly or manage a picnic similarly? Are they good methods or what could you do better?
School administrators, often very ignorant of Islam, are usually concerned about allowing students special permission for something can. It might lead to others asking for permission for other things, or complain of favoritism, and lead to a general breakdown in behavior, disrupting learning. They are also concerned with preparing students for adulthood, and obtaining the customary habits and manners common among successful adults. These issues lead them to be very cautious and often negative about allowing students to be different from the general norm. However, schools are required by federal law to allow 'reasonable accommodation' of faith practices, so Muslim children in many public schools have asked for and gotten permission to perform salah in a secluded area on school grounds, get excused absences from school for Eid, get library time during lunch for the month of Ramadan while fasting, and girls have gotten permission to wear headscarves. Accommodation of modesty issues around sports locker rooms have been arranged as well.
The 'reasonable accommodation' issue is that the school should not be forced into major disruption from accommodation and no great expense should be incurred. No staff members should be expected to remind a child that he should be fasting if he drinks water from the drinking fountain or eats something in the cafeteria during Ramadan. No staff member can lead prayer, remind children to pray, or be otherwise involved in prayer. So the child must be responsible on his or her own to remember, wash, get the proper excuse to go to whatever space has been designated by the school, out of the way, and pray and get back to class without supervision. If the child goofs off, going someplace else with a pass for prayer, or playing games with library privileges, the school may take away the privilege of religious accommodation.
4. What can Asia's parents do to support her desire to become a practicing Muslim, especially since she doesn't have a lot of Islamic knowledge to discuss Islam with teachers and school mates.
"And hold fast, all of you together to the rope of Allah , and do not separate" (3:103)
"A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend." (Abu Dawud & Tirmidhi)
Now she'd learned SOOO much. The Quran was beautiful recited at camp in the woods. She'd been horrified at first when she'd heard they wanted the kids to wake up for fajr salah, wash in the camp ground's cold water, and all pray together. But the experience had been overwhelming. It was so quiet and the adhan drifted so lightly in the early morning air. Then afterward she'd seen the sun rise. They had stayed up late with lectures and then walked under so many stars to answer the adhan for isha prayer. And all the lectures made sense. They were easy to understand and remember. She'd made friends. They were going to keep in touch on Facebook. Everything about being Muslim just felt right. She'd even decided to wear hijab properly from now on and do all her prayers regularly just after the adhan. And she did - for the rest of the summer.
Asia lived in a nice suburban town, the only dark skinned girl, the only Muslim. But she had friends. Her girlfriends were a bit turned off by her new scarf thing, but they seemed to figure it was just part of that slightly exotic thing about her, like having parents who spoke with accented English. She took all her photos without the scarf off her Facebook page but other kids still had pictures of her on theirs and she ignored that. She'd become more reserved with her old friends.
There were just things her friends wouldn't understand. She backed out of going swimming with them without telling them why. She'd always gone before. When they talked about boys she just sat there quietly. Then her friend Sandy started teasing her that she had a boyfriend. Her old friend Courtney thought she had an out of town boyfriend she'd met at that summer camp she'd gone to. One boy blurted out during a picnic, "Say, what's with that thing on your head all the time Asia? Did you go bald over the summer?" Was he ineptly inquiring about her health or was he insulting her? Another said he'd always thought Asia was American, implying that, with the scarf, she wasn't. She got some odd stares when out at the mall. She was all upset about each incident at first. But all in all it wasn't too bad. She spent more time alone, reading Quran.
The big looming issue would be starting school, and being seen by all the other kids who weren't her friends and many who didn't know her. How would they treat her? And how would she ask the principal about a place to pray?
Personally, over the years, I've seen many youth inspired by Islamic camping, conferences and other group organized programs. One 12 year old boy explained to me how he felt the environment was so clean and healthy compared to the social environment at his school.
Questions for discussion and thought:
2. How much do people really learn about Islam when one Muslim family lives in their midst? What does the family have to do for that to happen?
3. All cultural groups have to have a way to pass down their culture to their children. The less diverse a neighborhood or town, the more people feel they have the right to expect others to follow local customs. Most people don't come out and say, "I want you to be like me." They tend to say things like "Around here we always celebrate July 4th like this."
a. What are some ways American schools, or other school systems you know, use to get children to follow their cultural practices?
b. What are some ways your neighborhood is set up or acts to get you to follow their rules?
c. What methods were used to get you to "follow the group" when you were young? How well did they work and did you like them or dislike them?
d. What are some ways your family uses to get your children to follow manners and habits common to your family? Are they good methods or what could you do better? Allah will not reward people for using un-Islamic manners to force Islamic behavior. There is no compulsion in religion.
e. What are some of the ways people in the mosque use to get community members to follow a common practice? Like getting people to dress similarly or manage a picnic similarly? Are they good methods or what could you do better?
School administrators, often very ignorant of Islam, are usually concerned about allowing students special permission for something can. It might lead to others asking for permission for other things, or complain of favoritism, and lead to a general breakdown in behavior, disrupting learning. They are also concerned with preparing students for adulthood, and obtaining the customary habits and manners common among successful adults. These issues lead them to be very cautious and often negative about allowing students to be different from the general norm. However, schools are required by federal law to allow 'reasonable accommodation' of faith practices, so Muslim children in many public schools have asked for and gotten permission to perform salah in a secluded area on school grounds, get excused absences from school for Eid, get library time during lunch for the month of Ramadan while fasting, and girls have gotten permission to wear headscarves. Accommodation of modesty issues around sports locker rooms have been arranged as well.
The 'reasonable accommodation' issue is that the school should not be forced into major disruption from accommodation and no great expense should be incurred. No staff members should be expected to remind a child that he should be fasting if he drinks water from the drinking fountain or eats something in the cafeteria during Ramadan. No staff member can lead prayer, remind children to pray, or be otherwise involved in prayer. So the child must be responsible on his or her own to remember, wash, get the proper excuse to go to whatever space has been designated by the school, out of the way, and pray and get back to class without supervision. If the child goofs off, going someplace else with a pass for prayer, or playing games with library privileges, the school may take away the privilege of religious accommodation.
4. What can Asia's parents do to support her desire to become a practicing Muslim, especially since she doesn't have a lot of Islamic knowledge to discuss Islam with teachers and school mates.
"And hold fast, all of you together to the rope of Allah , and do not separate" (3:103)
"A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend." (Abu Dawud & Tirmidhi)
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Allah Our Creator
Teaching our children tawhid, the oneness of Allah, and how we are a part of Allah’s creation isn’t something to start when they reach high school. It is something we begin teaching when they are quite small.
Toddlers and preschoolers learn about animals. They learn about those that have eyes and ears like them. They learn the sounds they make to ‘talk’. They learn they need to eat and breathe and drink water. It’s the beginning of teaching them how they are part of a giant world, part of creation. Sit with them at the park and feel the breeze. Play with them in the snow. Talk to them about Allah’s creation, - how He made us each so different, - how He made us so similar. Add it to the conversation a little bit here and there.
A rule of thumb is to make the lesson no longer than one minute for every year of the child’s age. So a three minute discussion with a three year old is enough. Don’t insist on more. Add a bit if the child expresses more interest or just let the topic lay for a while.
Preschool children want to know what Allah made and what man made. Mention the distinction to them. Allah made the materials we use to build a toy car and a ramp. He made the rules about friction and gravity. We learn these rules when we make experiments and learn how to make the car roll faster and not fall off the ramp. Subhanallah! How wonderful Allah is! He made a logical world we can understand by working and thinking. And He made us responsible for this world, to take care of it. So we have to know about it.
Science lessons for children are easily adapted to an appreciation of Allah and His greatness and His wisdom. Subhanallah! Look how Allah created it! Mashallah! Allah made it that way. Add this when you and your child watch a cat play or you pick mint together in the garden. Watch a seed grow or a thunderstorm roll in across the sky. What does your child observe?
Quran tells us that Adam was special because Allah taught him the names of things. When we can name things we describe them, we have knowledge about them. This is something special we do with information that makes us different from other animals. Science is part of this. The word for science and the word for knowledge come from the same root in Arabic. As our children learn language, share this with them, this gift from Allah that makes us special in our relationship to Him and to our world.
Young children are very concrete in their thinking. A child will assume that Mickey Mouse and Barney are real unless we explain these things to them. It is important not to fill their minds with false tales, however pretty, and let them think they are true. How often parents fail to teach their children about Allah but they teach them about ghosts, fairies, Santa Claus, and wild stories about jinn and cute girl angels with wings. Jinn and angels do exist but we know very little about them.
There is a place for fantasy, for fun, but we need to oversee that it doesn’t overwhelm the truth and the spiritual development of our children. Think about this point deeply and discuss it with others. How much fun fantasy is your child involved with? How much time does your child spend with nature, with the people around, learning about our world and how we fit into it, how we are responsible for it?
A common way to explain Allah to the young concrete thinker is to compare Him to the air. It’s all around us, we don’t always feel it but sometimes it is very strong, on a windy day. We can’t see it. But Allah is greater than the wind. For an older child, in elementary school, we can also refer to the stars in the sky. How many are there? Try to count them with your child. Allah created all of them. He is much greater than all the stars in the endless sky. It is said frequently that the concept of zero and the Arabic numerals, algebra and trigonometry were the great contributions of Muslim mathematicians to the world. But the concept of infinity is perhaps even more important. It comes out of our contemplation of Allah. How else might you describe Allah to a child?
Modern science has discovered many new facts about our world, our universe. For our older children we can incorporate some of these new understandings when we teach them about Allah, how all creation is one created by one All Intelligent Creative Creator. These concepts can be understood by middle school age, and help the child to appreciate learning science in school, as well as appreciating Allah more.
Several billion years ago, in the arm of the Milky Way Galaxy, a super nova, a gigantic star, exploded at tremendous heat, blasting millions of tons of atoms, particles, space dust, out into empty space around it. Over time, about 5 billion years ago, some of that dust slowly pulled together, spinning around, and formed our solar system. Everything in the solar system, every atom, was created in some exploding star and any atom greater in mass than iron can only have been made by a supernova.
(See http://imagine.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/teachers/calcium/got_calcium_litho.pdf and http://imagine.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/teachers/elements/elements.html.)
So the atoms that make up our planet and everything in and on it, including us, come from star dust. Subhanallah!
Chemists have studied atoms and made a chart of their structure. Add another proton to the nucleus and you get a new atom. Subhanallah, this is the stuff we are made of.
Then there are 4 molecules, (adenine, A, guanine, G, cytosine, C, and thymine, T). Like neutrons, protons, and electrons are essential for the atom, these are essential for DNA, the code of life. DNA is far more complicated than atoms. We share DNA with all living things.
Mashallah, how Allah created such infinite variety in life from this code!
There is unity in all things in our universe, and among all living things on our planet. We can see the fingerprints of the Creator who made everything from a few simple things.
How do you share this appreciation with your children? On picnics in the park? While watching the moon from a window?
Toddlers and preschoolers learn about animals. They learn about those that have eyes and ears like them. They learn the sounds they make to ‘talk’. They learn they need to eat and breathe and drink water. It’s the beginning of teaching them how they are part of a giant world, part of creation. Sit with them at the park and feel the breeze. Play with them in the snow. Talk to them about Allah’s creation, - how He made us each so different, - how He made us so similar. Add it to the conversation a little bit here and there.
A rule of thumb is to make the lesson no longer than one minute for every year of the child’s age. So a three minute discussion with a three year old is enough. Don’t insist on more. Add a bit if the child expresses more interest or just let the topic lay for a while.
Preschool children want to know what Allah made and what man made. Mention the distinction to them. Allah made the materials we use to build a toy car and a ramp. He made the rules about friction and gravity. We learn these rules when we make experiments and learn how to make the car roll faster and not fall off the ramp. Subhanallah! How wonderful Allah is! He made a logical world we can understand by working and thinking. And He made us responsible for this world, to take care of it. So we have to know about it.
Science lessons for children are easily adapted to an appreciation of Allah and His greatness and His wisdom. Subhanallah! Look how Allah created it! Mashallah! Allah made it that way. Add this when you and your child watch a cat play or you pick mint together in the garden. Watch a seed grow or a thunderstorm roll in across the sky. What does your child observe?
Quran tells us that Adam was special because Allah taught him the names of things. When we can name things we describe them, we have knowledge about them. This is something special we do with information that makes us different from other animals. Science is part of this. The word for science and the word for knowledge come from the same root in Arabic. As our children learn language, share this with them, this gift from Allah that makes us special in our relationship to Him and to our world.
Young children are very concrete in their thinking. A child will assume that Mickey Mouse and Barney are real unless we explain these things to them. It is important not to fill their minds with false tales, however pretty, and let them think they are true. How often parents fail to teach their children about Allah but they teach them about ghosts, fairies, Santa Claus, and wild stories about jinn and cute girl angels with wings. Jinn and angels do exist but we know very little about them.
There is a place for fantasy, for fun, but we need to oversee that it doesn’t overwhelm the truth and the spiritual development of our children. Think about this point deeply and discuss it with others. How much fun fantasy is your child involved with? How much time does your child spend with nature, with the people around, learning about our world and how we fit into it, how we are responsible for it?
A common way to explain Allah to the young concrete thinker is to compare Him to the air. It’s all around us, we don’t always feel it but sometimes it is very strong, on a windy day. We can’t see it. But Allah is greater than the wind. For an older child, in elementary school, we can also refer to the stars in the sky. How many are there? Try to count them with your child. Allah created all of them. He is much greater than all the stars in the endless sky. It is said frequently that the concept of zero and the Arabic numerals, algebra and trigonometry were the great contributions of Muslim mathematicians to the world. But the concept of infinity is perhaps even more important. It comes out of our contemplation of Allah. How else might you describe Allah to a child?
Modern science has discovered many new facts about our world, our universe. For our older children we can incorporate some of these new understandings when we teach them about Allah, how all creation is one created by one All Intelligent Creative Creator. These concepts can be understood by middle school age, and help the child to appreciate learning science in school, as well as appreciating Allah more.
Several billion years ago, in the arm of the Milky Way Galaxy, a super nova, a gigantic star, exploded at tremendous heat, blasting millions of tons of atoms, particles, space dust, out into empty space around it. Over time, about 5 billion years ago, some of that dust slowly pulled together, spinning around, and formed our solar system. Everything in the solar system, every atom, was created in some exploding star and any atom greater in mass than iron can only have been made by a supernova.
(See http://imagine.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/teachers/calcium/got_calcium_litho.pdf and http://imagine.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/teachers/elements/elements.html.)
So the atoms that make up our planet and everything in and on it, including us, come from star dust. Subhanallah!
Chemists have studied atoms and made a chart of their structure. Add another proton to the nucleus and you get a new atom. Subhanallah, this is the stuff we are made of.
Then there are 4 molecules, (adenine, A, guanine, G, cytosine, C, and thymine, T). Like neutrons, protons, and electrons are essential for the atom, these are essential for DNA, the code of life. DNA is far more complicated than atoms. We share DNA with all living things.
Mashallah, how Allah created such infinite variety in life from this code!
There is unity in all things in our universe, and among all living things on our planet. We can see the fingerprints of the Creator who made everything from a few simple things.
How do you share this appreciation with your children? On picnics in the park? While watching the moon from a window?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Mad Fence
A Folktale rewritten
Once there was and once there wasn't, a long time ago, a young boy named Tariq with a VERY bad temper. When his mother called him to get up for school in the morning he would yell at her, "I'm up, leave me alone!" even though he had just opened his eyes. If he wanted spaghetti when his mother made macaroni and cheese, he would get mad at her for not asking him before cooking. When his little sister accidentally touched his toys he would yell at her. Always. He HATED it when someone touched HIS stuff, especially his sister. When his friend missed the ball in a soccer game and their team lost, he yelled really bad words and his friend decided not to be friends with him anymore. Well, it WAS all his friend's fault anyway, and who needs friends!
His father was a sailor and left home often to sail on ships around the world. He wasn't home a lot. One day, his father came home from a long trip while Tariq was working on a model ship on the table. His father roared out "Asalaam alaikum, I'm home!" and his mother and little sister came running happily from the back rooms to greet him.
A gust of wind from the open door blew down the newly glued mast of Tariq's model ship. Tariq screamed in rage. "Shut that door! You just ruined my model!"
Tariq's father, mother, and little sister stared at him in shock. Everyone stayed away from Tariq for a while, while Tariq's father had coffee and talked with his wife and daughter. There was lots of news of the family to catch up on. Then, when Tariq's mother went to start supper, Tariq's father called him out to the storage shed in the back yard.
"Tariq, see these nails? See this hammer? I want you to take a nail to the back fence and hammer it in, for getting mad about the breeze disturbing your model earlier today. And from now on, I want you to pound in a nail each time you get angry."
Tariq didn't understand why he should hammer a nail, but he did as his father ordered. It was hard to hit the nail square on the head, and once he hit his finger instead of the nail. He got mad at the hammer and threw it across the yard. Tariq's father made him nail in another nail, for throwing the hammer in rage.
The next morning, Tariq was almost late to school because he had to hammer in 5 nails for yelling at his mother, father, and sister for 5 different reasons before breakfast. By the end of the day he had hammered in 37 nails, and he was pretty tired of hammering. He was getting better about not hitting his fingers though.
Day by day Tariq hammered nails. Why did his father insist on it? Looking at the fence, with its many nails, Tariq was embarrassed by all the proof of his bad deeds. Some of the kids from school knew about the fence, because he accidentally told them. They called it the "Mad Fence". They asked many times to come and see it but Tariq wouldn't show it to them.
But little by little, he found that the thought of the fence made it easier to hold his tongue and he gradually began to yell less often, and when he yelled, he was able to stop more quickly. Then, one evening, he was building a block castle and his sister, who had come over to watch, dropped her stuffed bunny on the blocks, making the whole thing come down. Tariq stood up quickly, took a big breath to yell, and, instead of saying something mad, suddenly burst out, "OK, I'll get a nail!"
His father came out to the fence as Tariq pounded in the new nail. They talked about how he was pounding in fewer nails now. He had made great progress. He was even starting to have some friends again. Friends were nice to have! That was slow going though, because they remembered how mad he used to get and didn't trust him yet.
"I'm glad I don't have to pound so many nails anymore, Dad. Seeing all the nails in the fence is ugly."
Then his father suggested that Tariq could remove a nail each day that he went all day without losing his temper. Day by day Tariq looked forward to removing a nail from the fence before Isha prayer. It was often difficult to pull them out and he had to struggle, but it felt good to remove the signs of his bad deeds.
Finally, the day came when he removed the last nail. He called his family to witness the great event. He felt very proud. His mother was so happy, she kissed him and promised to make his favorite dessert for after supper.
His father, however, said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say, "I'm sorry". The wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."
The family stared at the fence solemnly. It was a witness of Tariq's battle with himself.
Then his father hugged him and said, "May you grow to be a strong man, Son. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger." (Bukhari)
Once there was and once there wasn't, a long time ago, a young boy named Tariq with a VERY bad temper. When his mother called him to get up for school in the morning he would yell at her, "I'm up, leave me alone!" even though he had just opened his eyes. If he wanted spaghetti when his mother made macaroni and cheese, he would get mad at her for not asking him before cooking. When his little sister accidentally touched his toys he would yell at her. Always. He HATED it when someone touched HIS stuff, especially his sister. When his friend missed the ball in a soccer game and their team lost, he yelled really bad words and his friend decided not to be friends with him anymore. Well, it WAS all his friend's fault anyway, and who needs friends!
His father was a sailor and left home often to sail on ships around the world. He wasn't home a lot. One day, his father came home from a long trip while Tariq was working on a model ship on the table. His father roared out "Asalaam alaikum, I'm home!" and his mother and little sister came running happily from the back rooms to greet him.
A gust of wind from the open door blew down the newly glued mast of Tariq's model ship. Tariq screamed in rage. "Shut that door! You just ruined my model!"
Tariq's father, mother, and little sister stared at him in shock. Everyone stayed away from Tariq for a while, while Tariq's father had coffee and talked with his wife and daughter. There was lots of news of the family to catch up on. Then, when Tariq's mother went to start supper, Tariq's father called him out to the storage shed in the back yard.
"Tariq, see these nails? See this hammer? I want you to take a nail to the back fence and hammer it in, for getting mad about the breeze disturbing your model earlier today. And from now on, I want you to pound in a nail each time you get angry."
Tariq didn't understand why he should hammer a nail, but he did as his father ordered. It was hard to hit the nail square on the head, and once he hit his finger instead of the nail. He got mad at the hammer and threw it across the yard. Tariq's father made him nail in another nail, for throwing the hammer in rage.
The next morning, Tariq was almost late to school because he had to hammer in 5 nails for yelling at his mother, father, and sister for 5 different reasons before breakfast. By the end of the day he had hammered in 37 nails, and he was pretty tired of hammering. He was getting better about not hitting his fingers though.
Day by day Tariq hammered nails. Why did his father insist on it? Looking at the fence, with its many nails, Tariq was embarrassed by all the proof of his bad deeds. Some of the kids from school knew about the fence, because he accidentally told them. They called it the "Mad Fence". They asked many times to come and see it but Tariq wouldn't show it to them.
But little by little, he found that the thought of the fence made it easier to hold his tongue and he gradually began to yell less often, and when he yelled, he was able to stop more quickly. Then, one evening, he was building a block castle and his sister, who had come over to watch, dropped her stuffed bunny on the blocks, making the whole thing come down. Tariq stood up quickly, took a big breath to yell, and, instead of saying something mad, suddenly burst out, "OK, I'll get a nail!"
His father came out to the fence as Tariq pounded in the new nail. They talked about how he was pounding in fewer nails now. He had made great progress. He was even starting to have some friends again. Friends were nice to have! That was slow going though, because they remembered how mad he used to get and didn't trust him yet.
"I'm glad I don't have to pound so many nails anymore, Dad. Seeing all the nails in the fence is ugly."
Then his father suggested that Tariq could remove a nail each day that he went all day without losing his temper. Day by day Tariq looked forward to removing a nail from the fence before Isha prayer. It was often difficult to pull them out and he had to struggle, but it felt good to remove the signs of his bad deeds.
Finally, the day came when he removed the last nail. He called his family to witness the great event. He felt very proud. His mother was so happy, she kissed him and promised to make his favorite dessert for after supper.
His father, however, said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say, "I'm sorry". The wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."
The family stared at the fence solemnly. It was a witness of Tariq's battle with himself.
Then his father hugged him and said, "May you grow to be a strong man, Son. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "The strong is not the one who overcomes people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger." (Bukhari)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)