The Dispute

The imam paused and surveyed the interior of the mosque before entering. It looked like the whole village had turned out to hear him. Ramadan was approaching and he had been invited to come and clear up a problem. Students returning from different Islamic schools in the cities had brought back different conflicting information and had created a storm that had divided everyone.

It was the dispute on the lips of everyone in the village and arguments were said to flare up whenever a group would meet, whether in the fields or in the shops or while visiting each other for coffee in the evenings. It had so taken hold of the village that people had time for nothing else. A hole in the roof of the mosque had remained unrepaired for months. The children were getting into trouble, as their parents neglected them for the "important" work of disputing with their neighbors. Students were neglecting their studies. Now the whole village was crowding in to hear the guest speaker about the biggest problem in their history!

Several young men sat together on one side of the room with notebooks and papers. A similar group – the opposing party, sat together on the other side. After opening with du'a, the imam asked his audience, "Do you have any specific aspects of Ramadan that you want me to address?"

A man from one side spoke up, "We have always prayed eight raka for tarawih prayers in our mosque here. Everyone agreed. I studied at school and learned the opinion of scholars." He held up a bunch of papers. "The scholars agree that it is the sunnah of the Prophet. Some other people have come recently to say no, we are all wrong. We must pray 20 raka to follow the sunnah. They are hardheaded and insist on nonsense."

"It's not nonsense!" called out another man from the other corner of the room. "The opinion of the best scholars is clear. Tarawih is 20 rakah. We have studied in the best school in the country and only seek to bring better Islamic education to our homes. Some people are so set in old habits, they refuse to see the truth." This man also held out his papers, his proof of scholarly opinion.

The atmosphere was very tense. All eyes were on the imam. "Let's see what the scholars have said here," he said calmly. "Do they agree that tarawih prayers are sunnah, highly commendable but not an obligation?"

"Yes", everyone nodded in agreement.

"We seek to please Allah by following the sunnah, the example of the Prophet Muhammad, as closely as possible," "added an old man in the front row.

"That is very commendable," said the imam. "All of the scholars agree that these prayers can be prayed at home as well as in the mosque, do they not?" he continued.

"Yes," everyone nodded. "But there is more reward in praying in congregation," called out someone from the back.

"Then we can resolve this problem simply."

At these words the people startled and quickly looked at one another. They had come out prepared for a big fight, not for a simple solution in one minute. Many had an opinion or an argument ready to throw into the dispute.

"Everyone should pray the tarawih at home this Ramadan. Each one pray as you see fit, 8 or 20 raka. There are good pious scholars to support each opinion, and Allah alone knows the truth. But all Islamic scholars agree that unity among Muslims is fard (an obligation). You are breaking a fard to fulfill a sunnah."

The two sides eyed each other sheepishly. A calm descended on the room. How easy it is to get involved in all the details of life and to miss the more important larger view.

For several weeks into Ramadan the villagers were very careful not to mention their past dispute. Families saw more of each other praying because they were praying tarawih at home together and because they weren't out engaged in any more of the meetings about the problem that had been so popular. Life seemed a bit empty though. The dispute had provided something interesting in a boring little village.

Allah blesses those who do something for Him, and so He sent a blessing for this village that was trying so hard to live in peace. Little Ranya got the first one. Her father took her out a few days before Eid to test the flying ability of the bright green and pink kite he had made her. Ali got one next, as his older brother helped him make another kite.

By Eid the whole village was participating in kite flying or making or designing. Some were made for beauty. Some were made to test design techniques for flying ability. Some were made to make the biggest or the highest flying. Families were working together. Neighbors were sharing tips on improved styles. Everyone was enjoying the fun.

And obey Allah and His Messenger and don't fall into disputes so you don't lose heart and your power departs. (8:46)

Questions:  Do you actually see disputes like this in your mosque?  How about your family or community?  Can you imagine a situation when you could use the technique of the visiting imam?  To settle a dispute between adults?  Between children?  Have you used it? 

Basic summary of parenting

Think how Allah (SWT) rewards and punishes, and He gives us time and space to work things out.  He sent prophets to teach us and model good behavior to us.  He created the environment around us and the changes that happen in it to test us and help us learn and grow.  Having created us, He knows us better than we know ourselves and He knows what methods work to show us the straight path. 

Think how Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived with his people.  He rewarded people with his smile and good words for them, and the pleasure of his company.  He ignored many of the faults of people and generally refrained from rebuking and reproaching them.  He only applied punishment when Allah commanded it.  He taught people with short talks when they were ready to hear him, not all of the time.   His actions and behavior with his family, his friends, his fellow citizens, strangers, and enemies were all recorded to provide a model for us on many different levels.  And we see in his words and actions many examples of how we should treat others, including our children.

I haven't seen anyone encapsulate clearly in English an overview of parenting techniques for Muslims.  One simple way of listing them would be:

·         rewards for good behavior

·         giving the child time and space to work things out

·         punishment for bad behavior

·         teaching

·         modeling

·         making changes to the environment

Lists like this can be misunderstood so let's define each part briefly. 

Taking the first three points together, think of the many verses in Quran about rewards and punishments, and the reminders that He gave people time to correct themselves.  Think of the many hadith about our deeds, and how they will be accounted for on the Day of Judgment.   

Parents have issues with rewards and punishments and how to balance them.  A few reward all the time in excess, and never punish.  A few do the opposite.  Most are somewhere in between trying to find the right balance. 

Allah weighs good deeds much more than bad.  From hadith we know:

·         if we intend a bad deed, it isn't written unless we do it.  And then it is written as one bad deed. 

·         If we don't do it, we get reward for a good deed. 

·         If we intend a good deed, but don't do it, we get the reward for a good deed. 

·         If we intend a good deed and do it, we get the reward for ten to 700 times that one good deed. 

(Bukhari and Muslim)  If we focus on these ratios, we sense that we need to be giving rewards for intentions as well as accomplishments, and our rewards should far outweigh our punishments.

Then remember that Allah doesn't hold children accountable for their bad deeds (Abu Dawud, the pen is lifted for 3...).  But WE are accountable for all our bad deeds, including any bad treatment of our children and any bad thing we teach them, both by telling them.  So let's think over how we might consider justifying how we punish our children in front of Allah carefully.   And we really need to wonder how we can punish a child when Allah doesn't , so we really need to look at what we might mean by punishment. 

On physical punishment, there is an often quoted hadith from Abu Dawud that we should make our children start praying when they are 7 and hit them if they don't when they are 10, but there is no one clear hadith or Quranic verse about the extent of hitting.  And missing prayer is a serious problem.  Notice that at 10 the child should have had 3 years to create the habit of prayer but rarely is a child at puberty this early.   There is no hadith that the Prophet ever hit any child for anything.  His servant boy Anas left hadith that he served the Prophet for 10 years and was never scolded or reproached or told any word of discontent with his services.  (Bukhari, Abu Dawud, and Muslim)

From all of the mention in a wide number of hadith that mention children and how they were treated, the classic opinion is that hitting is allowed if it is with the open hand or something small, like meswak, the little stick used as a toothbrush by Prophet Muhammad and people in Arabia for centuries.  It should not strike the tender parts of the body and should not leave a mark or cause any damage.  And the person should not hit if he (or she) is in danger of losing control of himself.  That summarizes the Islamic position on physical punishment.  It really is limiting.

There is another form of punishment, suffering the consequences of actions.  Your child grabbing toys from others leads to their not wanting to play with him, for example.  That can be a punishment and a learning experience and parents can often have a hand in controlling these experiences, particularly with a young child.  You can take your child home if you are on a visit or send her to play alone in another room if your child refuses to respond to polite requests to play nicely. 

So we reward good behavior with smiles and hugs and maybe a little treat, and we give 10 to 700 times more rewards than punishments.  And we reward for efforts made that aren't successful as children learn.  We reward them for not doing wrong things they want to do.  And we don't bother them for every little thing.

There are three more parts to describe.  Teaching and modeling are things we do like the prophets did.  They are intertwined.  Many people don't realize the importance of modeling.  How can you ask your child to be a better person than you are?  Much parenting advise urges us to make our children do something.  Well in reality, we make changes in our families when we make changes in ourselves.  They change because we change.  Let us be as much like the Prophet Muhammad as we can in our homes.  Learn his sirah.  Teach like he taught, simply and kindly from time to time, giving time for people to absorb the lesson.  Teach when the child is ready to listen, not all caught up in emotional uproar.  Be gentle and loving with children like he was. 

Lastly, making changes to the environment is our responsibility as protectors and providers for our children.  Like a farmer caring for seeds, trying to provide them with good soil, appropriate water and light, we provide the food, clothes, shelter, and social environment for our children.  We put away breakable and dangerous objects when a child is too young.  We encourage good friends and discourage bad friends.  We ensure enough sleep and a quiet place for study.  We use time outs or other removal from games, play, TV, etc. to allow the child to pull back from out of control or bad behavior and get back into self control and allow the child back when he is able to act responsibly.

May Allah help us to raise our children well.

Introducing me

Who am I and why am I writing

I'm an American.  in 1975 I converted from Christianity to Islam.  My mother's family was Methodist.  My father's family was Christian Scientist. 

There has always been a strong emphasis on education in my family, passed down from mother to daughter.  My great grandmother was a teacher, who attended the teachers college of the University of Arkansas the first year it opened in 1872.  My grandmother trained as a nurse and saw all of her children through college.  My two aunts and mother graduated from University of California in the 1930s and 40s, quite unusual for women back then.  My mother earned her BA and worked in nursery schools.  She studied all of the child development literature that came out during her day and applied it diligently in her work and in raising her two children. 

I earned my BS in chemistry, married, converted to Islam, and lived in France for 7 years and Kuwait for 9 years before coming home with my family. When I had children my mother made sure I had many books on the best methods for raising children. 

So teaching, education, and using the best child management methods, all of this has been very important in my life.  But as a Muslim, I wanted to know how raising children in Islam was different from the best methods of social scientists in America.  I insisted to know.  I was not raised to accept anything without question - so I questioned. 

Dear sisters, friends in Kuwait, mostly American and British women, worked with me in collecting material for a mothers group we formed there.  In the course of my research, I read all of Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawd, and Tirmithi in English translations available to me in Kuwait, in addition to the Quran.  When the Gulf War dispersed our group, I compiled all of our material and organized it into a book.  Several women, themselves mothers and converts, working for my publisher, American Trust Publications, reviewed all of the quotes and aligned them textually and numerically with sources of hadith in English that are available in the States.   In Kuwait we had had access to different translations.  My friend Zeba Siddiqui, an author, convert, and mother herself, made important editorial contributions.  The book, The Child in Islam, was published in 1995.

Now we are in a new century.  The Islamic school I helped start is now receiving my grandchildren as students.  I taught middle school science there for several years and have been an active supporter and volunteer.  As a grandmother, mother, teacher, and community activist, I feel strongly that parenting education needs improvement in the Muslim community.  With new forms of communication today, I'm starting this effort to get discussion of parenting methods on-line.